In no uncertain terms, I am truly blessed to have found my match in this life — my husband is a wonderful man. And, while I certainly am one of those Hallmark movie, mushy gushy, hopeless romantics, I promise that I see through clear, not rose colored glasses when I say how lucky I am. I know it.
I have never thought of marriage as something that would be easy. I have always anticipated that I would have to work hard at it, like anything else in life. Having a great partner does not a perfect marriage make. I knew that I would learn things about him, and he about me as we grew together, and we have. Along the way, I’ve realized that many of these things really would have been of help before I found my husband, when I was caught in the Tinder void, dating and thinking I knew so much about relationships. So, from one woman to another, here’s what I’ve gotten so far:
There are an infinite number of things to learn about someone. Just when you think you know your partner, something new comes out of the blue.
When I say that my husband and I talked about what we thought was “everything,” I don’t just mean we talked. I mean, we read several books, went over an article of “100 Questions to Ask Your Fiancé Before the Wedding,” went to couple’s counseling, and played the “what if” game late into the night on several occasions. I knew his “favorite” everything. Emerald green. John Mayer. Alexander Dumas (3 Musketeers author). 41. And then, at complete random, in the 3rd year of our marriage (6th year together), I found out that he loveddddddd outerspace. Not just really liked, thought was cool, wanted to be an astronaut…I’m talking watched every space movie, wanted to work for NASA, tattoo of the Apollo 11 mission patch on his left calf (ok, I knew that one), with a plan to get the Artemis patch on the other. Literally, I had no idea. And I have no idea how I had no idea. Somehow in 6 years of talking and talking and talking, I had never learned this about him. Just goes to show that there’s always something new and exciting right around the corner.
For the health of your relationship, you must spend time apart — Sometimes, a significant amount of time.
When you’re in the honeymoon phase, you sometimes can’t imagine not spending all the time in the world with your significant other. Yeah, eventually that goes away. It’s not that you don’t want to spend time with them, but more like you just need your own time. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and such, and I can safely say that this is true. So do yourself a favor in any relationship, and have a “selfie date,” where you each do your own thing — listen to music, order the Thai food he hates, binge that Netflix show she doesn’t want to watch — whatever you want. Just spend time with yourself and it will benefit your relationship in the long run.
You marry their family too.
Everyone’s family is crazy sometimes. Marriage adds more family to your family — whether that’s biological family, step-family, or chosen family — they’re yours now too. There are times when things can get a little nuts (I mean, nobody’s perfect), and times you might disagree, but at the end of the day hopefully you also have a group of people who care about you. After all, life is hard; the more people in your corner, the better.
You can be the two nicest people in the world, but you will eventually push each other’s buttons on purpose.
When you live with someone day in and day out (especially during a pandemic!), they can really get to you. I had experienced that before with my family or roommates, but there’s something different about it being your spouse. And once you figure out those buttons, they become flashing neon lights just asking to be pushed. Sometimes you will be able to ignore it, and sometimes you won’t want to. You will be able to push those buttons better than anyone else in your spouse’s life, and you will. What’s important is that you recognize that, and try your best to push them as infrequently as possible. You won’t always succeed in that, but making the effort is noticeable.
And the most cliché of all —
It really is about finding someone you enjoy doing laundry with.
There are so many times in a relationship that are fun, exciting, new, adventurous, romantic, and otherwise awesome. There’s a wedding, honeymoon, getting a dog, buying a house, maybe having kids, and so many other happy moments. And then, well, there’s the rest of the time. In a marriage that lasts, you will spend more time cleaning, doing laundry, washing and putting away the dishes, doing the same laundry again, mowing the law, raking the leaves, and grocery shopping than anything else. Sure, it might sound like a less-than-amazing part of life and a relationship, but if I’ve learned one thing in my 3 years of marriage so far, it’s that these normal ordinary moment are the best of times. Cooking with dance breaks in the kitchen and cleaning up the living room after your dog destroys your couch…those are the times that sneak up on you, that seem so very ordinary in the moment that you have no idea how extra-ordinary they will become. It’s what keeps you, ties you, binds you, and makes your relationship special and different from any other.
